Hope

I blinked, only to see the same object that was in front of them as before I had closed them.  So I blinked again.  Where was I?  Why was I here?  I looked down and fingered the soft cashmere jacket I was wearing.  Cashmere?  Hell, when did I ever have style?  It must have been a gift... a gift I didn't remember receiving.

I quickly took stock of my surroundings.  I was dressed to match the weather outside - it was snowing lightly, as I had never seen it snow before.  Where I had maybe seen sleets and sheets of snow on TV, this was more drifting... the kind of snow you can only see in your mind's eye.  It was beautiful, and I realized I was gawking.

Someone laughed beside me.

I turned in surprise and saw beautiful blue eyes smiling down at me.  I suddenly realized there was a slight pressure on my left hand, and it was very warm.  I looked down, gazing at the hand that held mine so dearly, not as if it would break, but as if it were the most precious hand in the world.

He squeezed my hand.

"Hey, what's wrong?  You seem kind of dazed."  He swung my arm in a playful manner, making me automatically smile in response.

"Nah, it's nothing.  I think."  I felt my brow furrow a little as I looked at him.

Here was my boyfriend.  My blue-eyed, blond-haired boyfriend.  He was all I could ever want - funny, witty, kind, intelligent, and he took care of me... made me feel safe without endangering my pride.  I never felt girly around him, but in this relationship, he acted like the man, so that I didn't have to.  He was everything I wanted.

So why couldn't I remember his name?

"Now that kind of worries me," he said.  His smile held its place, but I could see his eyes in a little bit of a war.  

I squeezed my hand around his.  "I'll be fine.  Just a little confused, that's all."

"About what?" he asked as we continued to walk down the street.

"I don't know... I can't remember what I was thinking about," I laughed.

"You're so weird," he said, laughing too.  I had chased the darkness from his eyes and the worry from his face.

"I know!  Why are you with me, anyway?"

I had meant for it to be a joke, but he immediately stopped and turned me towards him, his face in all its seriousness.  I couldn't keep the surprise off my own face.  He grabbed my hands, palms to palms, and held them to our sides.  He bent down and brought his mouth to my ear.  "Don't talk like that, okay?" he whispered.

"What?" I said, confused.  "What do you mean?"

"Just stop asking me why I'm with you."  He pulled away and looked me in the eye.  "Stop questioning it.  I love you."

Lies.  I smiled, and couldn't keep the sadness from my eyes.  "I told you to stop talking like that.  We both know that-"

"I mean it," he finished.  "We both know that I mean it."

I must have shown it then.  That fear.  That crumbling down because some measure of comfort between us had been obliterated.

He stepped forward, our hands still at our sides.  I was forced to turn my face to the side, so that it was right against his chest.  I could hear him breathing, feel his heartbeat under my cheek.

"I... I know it was a risk.  To go out with me like this, I mean.  For you, that is.  I know it's a risk.  And I want you to know, I'm so happy right now.  I'm so happy that you spent today with me, and let me see some of who you really are.  You're so protected... you shelter yourself so well.  And I... I'm willing to wait... for you.  I want to make you fall in love with me, as much as I've fallen in love with you."

He pulled away and looked down at me, smiling.  "You have no idea, do you?  You have no idea how damn beautiful you are."

Are you kidding me?  I'm almost ashamed to be seen in public with you because I probably make you look bad.  Instead of voicing my thoughts, my throat closed up, and I just shook my head, begging with my eyes to make him stop.  

Dammit.  I don't deserve you!  Don't you see?  You're too good to me.  Too good for me.

He smiled a little sadly.  Then he kissed me lightly on the lips, lingering for a little while so that our breaths merged, throwing warm air into the coldness of the night.

Dammit.  You make this so hard.

He was the one.... the one who had always watched out for me, kept me from harm for the past 5 years.  He knew me inside and out (though of course, not "that" way)- knew my moods, my smiles, my temperaments, my everything.  The nice one, the one who protected me from the world, shielded me when I cried and laughed with me when I was joyous.

I turned red, tears shining down my cheeks.

"And now you're crying..." He hurriedly wiped my tears away.  "Just... I start to get kind of hopeless when you say things like that."

"I don't deserve you," I said, finally saying what I felt like saying.

He laughed.  "I might say the same thing.  You have no idea how happy you make me.  I want to make you happy too."

I smiled back, finally realizing what had been escaping me this entire time.  "I want to fall in love with you."  And I immediately turned red.

He turned surprised eyes at me, and blushed.  Then he gave a joyful laugh, picked me up, and swung me around.

Yes.  This was it.  This feeling of being loved and safety and supported- it was like my heart was breaking, but in a good way.

And for the first time... I felt hope…

I didn’t realize I was smiling while I slept.